Penulis: Setya List

This testimony was prepared as an introduction to sharing lessons at ILG, June 2022, on the theme: Leading by Influence: Leading from Brokenness. Translated by Google, refined by -mostly- Elsa Siahaan.

In 2007 I was in great enthusiasm for the growing ministry, both local and regional and national ministries. By then I had been on the staff (with The Navs) for over 13 years. And in 2007 I was about to be  40, the age that is said: never dies… or like the Sia’s song: Unstoppable – like a porsche, don’t need batteries to play. 😊

At that time,  during a final trip to Kuala Lumpur/KL in March 2007, as usual I  visited one or two cities beforehand: Batam and Singapore. I traveled alone. It was in Singapore that my journey came to a halt. 

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While walking with a friend on Orchard Road (afternoon after lunch), my vision suddenly disappeared (I experienced a blackout), not dark but actually white. And I was about to fall unconscious, but was supported by the friend. Without heeding the traffic signs, my friend carried me across the road and we went into the nearest hospital: Mt Elizabeth Hospital.

My pulse/heart beat seemed very irregular and very fast, maybe 200bpm on average. That was what made me want to faint earlier, because the oxygen supply was not smooth. I was injected with medicine and monitored for 24 hours. About 5-6 hours later, my heart rate returned back to normal.

That night I was offered sleeping pills, but I didn’t  take them, just because I’m not used to taking medicine. I’ve never been hospitalized before, and am the type who doesn’t like to take any medication.

I apparently couldn’t sleep that night which made it a long night and full of inner struggles. My mind drifted away to new things, some were the little things I have missed as the time went by. I incidentally did not bring a notebook, because I usually write down what I meditate on. Then the hospital tissue was the medium to write down the main thoughts that came to mind that night.

I was only hospitalized for one night where the next morning the doctor discharged me. The doctor said: you can go home, you can exercise again as usual, continue your trip, and so on. …. But I have become a very different person since then.  

I felt  both unable to continue the trip to KL nor to return to Indonesia. I felt very weak physically, very down and a bit confused with my condition. Then I stayed with one  family of Nav Indonesia alumni. My strangest condition at that time was feeling mentally down, experiencing fear and panic easily. At that time my friend was working (at his office), while  I was at home alone… and out of panic, sometimes I called him at the office asking: when are you coming home? I felt that  I couldn’t seem to be left at home alone.

In addition, I also felt physically  very weak. Even going up and down the stairs was difficult/hard.

However,  I realized that I had to go home. At that time I did not tell my wife in Jakarta the details about my condition.

The trip home at that time was the most difficult one among other trips. I felt so weak that I was not able to lift my own  luggage,  so I needed my friend’s help to check in the luggage. At CGK airport in Jakarta, two good friends were ready to welcome me and help me with my luggage (late mas Madyo, and bang Yona). 

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In Jakarta, I still often had a similar physical condition where my heart suddenly beat abnormally and rapidly, only to recover a few up to  5 hours later. I marked my calendar when the arrhythmia attacked, and how heavy. After weeks, months, the situation was getting lighter. But in one month, Nov 2007, another serious arrhythmia attacked again and I had to be hospitalized again for one night. But after that, I started to accept my  condition and was ready with the arrhythmia even though it was severe.

Along with that physical condition, it felt heavier that my mental state was very down. Maybe I was not just burnt out… Maybe I was depressed, … but I didn’t consult a professional. There was no such mechanism at that time. 😀 So I  had to face it by myself and felt that I was on my own.  Within six months I was OFF from all ministry activities… It was like entering a period of “eating grass in the field”…

What had been said about me came true at once. I was driven away from people. I ate grass just as cattle do. My body became wet with the dew of heaven. I stayed that way until my hair grew like the feathers of an eagle. My nails became like the claws of a bird.  

Dan 4:33

I used to live on the 2nd floor, but due to my weak physical condition, I moved to the 1st floor. My wife and son (at that time 12^{years old}) were on the 2nd floor. I was mentally very weak. I could often suddenly cry for no reason, loud and prolonged crying… hours. (Now when I think about it, I’m confused about how I could be like that. 😀)

Visits from some friends didn’t seem to have a positive effect at that time. Sometimes I even refused to meet guests or even receive phone calls, because their words often stressed me more.

Those months were the time when I struggled with the difficult situation. Trying to find a comprehensive solution… physically, attitude, emotionally, etc… changing the pattern of life (exercise, food, etc.). Reassess attitudes and outlook on life.