Tag: sakit

One of My Stories (2007): Not Unstoppable

Within six months I was OFF from all ministry activities… It was like entering a period of “eating grass in the field”…

This testimony was prepared as an introduction to sharing lessons at ILG, June 2022, on the theme: Leading by Influence: Leading from Brokenness. Translated by Google, refined by -mostly- Elsa Siahaan.

In 2007 I was in great enthusiasm for the growing ministry, both local and regional and national ministries. By then I had been on the staff (with The Navs) for over 13 years. And in 2007 I was about to be  40, the age that is said: never dies… or like the Sia’s song: Unstoppable – like a porsche, don’t need batteries to play. 😊

At that time,  during a final trip to Kuala Lumpur/KL in March 2007, as usual I  visited one or two cities beforehand: Batam and Singapore. I traveled alone. It was in Singapore that my journey came to a halt. 

—

While walking with a friend on Orchard Road (afternoon after lunch), my vision suddenly disappeared (I experienced a blackout), not dark but actually white. And I was about to fall unconscious, but was supported by the friend. Without heeding the traffic signs, my friend carried me across the road and we went into the nearest hospital: Mt Elizabeth Hospital.

My pulse/heart beat seemed very irregular and very fast, maybe 200bpm on average. That was what made me want to faint earlier, because the oxygen supply was not smooth. I was injected with medicine and monitored for 24 hours. About 5-6 hours later, my heart rate returned back to normal.

That night I was offered sleeping pills, but I didn’t  take them, just because I’m not used to taking medicine. I’ve never been hospitalized before, and am the type who doesn’t like to take any medication.

I apparently couldn’t sleep that night which made it a long night and full of inner struggles. My mind drifted away to new things, some were the little things I have missed as the time went by. I incidentally did not bring a notebook, because I usually write down what I meditate on. Then the hospital tissue was the medium to write down the main thoughts that came to mind that night.

I was only hospitalized for one night where the next morning the doctor discharged me. The doctor said: you can go home, you can exercise again as usual, continue your trip, and so on. …. But I have become a very different person since then.  

Thanks to you all. You are awesome.

I felt  both unable to continue the trip to KL nor to return to Indonesia. I felt very weak physically, very down and a bit confused with my condition. Then I stayed with one  family of Nav Indonesia alumni. My strangest condition at that time was feeling mentally down, experiencing fear and panic easily. At that time my friend was working (at his office), while  I was at home alone… and out of panic, sometimes I called him at the office asking: when are you coming home? I felt that  I couldn’t seem to be left at home alone.

In addition, I also felt physically  very weak. Even going up and down the stairs was difficult/hard.

However,  I realized that I had to go home. At that time I did not tell my wife in Jakarta the details about my condition.

The trip home at that time was the most difficult one among other trips. I felt so weak that I was not able to lift my own  luggage,  so I needed my friend’s help to check in the luggage. At CGK airport in Jakarta, two good friends were ready to welcome me and help me with my luggage (late mas Madyo, and bang Yona). 

—

In Jakarta, I still often had a similar physical condition where my heart suddenly beat abnormally and rapidly, only to recover a few up to  5 hours later. I marked my calendar when the arrhythmia attacked, and how heavy. After weeks, months, the situation was getting lighter. But in one month, Nov 2007, another serious arrhythmia attacked again and I had to be hospitalized again for one night. But after that, I started to accept my  condition and was ready with the arrhythmia even though it was severe.

Along with that physical condition, it felt heavier that my mental state was very down. Maybe I was not just burnt out… Maybe I was depressed, … but I didn’t consult a professional. There was no such mechanism at that time. 😀 So I  had to face it by myself and felt that I was on my own.  Within six months I was OFF from all ministry activities… It was like entering a period of “eating grass in the field”…

What had been said about me came true at once. I was driven away from people. I ate grass just as cattle do. My body became wet with the dew of heaven. I stayed that way until my hair grew like the feathers of an eagle. My nails became like the claws of a bird.  

Dan 4:33

I used to live on the 2nd floor, but due to my weak physical condition, I moved to the 1st floor. My wife and son (at that time 12years old) were on the 2nd floor. I was mentally very weak. I could often suddenly cry for no reason, loud and prolonged crying… hours. (Now when I think about it, I’m confused about how I could be like that. 😀)

Visits from some friends didn’t seem to have a positive effect at that time. Sometimes I even refused to meet guests or even receive phone calls, because their words often stressed me more.

Those months were the time when I struggled with the difficult situation. Trying to find a comprehensive solution… physically, attitude, emotionally, etc… changing the pattern of life (exercise, food, etc.). Reassess attitudes and outlook on life.

2016 – Pengalaman Sakit

Ketika keadaan terasa membaik di tengah masa opname (yang kemudian rupanya drop lagi), kami sempat diskusi: meski kami sakit, Tuhan tidak berhenti melakukan hal-hal baik. Dia tetap bekerja.

“If you don’t know where you’re going, you’ll end up somewhere else.” ~ Yogi Berra

Yoh 13:34-35 Aku memberikan perintah baru kepada kamu, yaitu supaya kamu saling mengasihi; sama seperti Aku telah mengasihi kamu demikian pula kamu harus saling mengasihi. Dengan demikian semua orang akan tahu, bahwa kamu adalah murid-murid-Ku, yaitu jikalau kamu saling mengasihi.

Setelah perjalanan panjang Solo-Malaysia-Singapura-Filipina-Jakarta-Bandung-Jakarta, di hari terakhir kami menolong tamu dari Afrika (Kamis 11 Agt 2016), List sorenya demam, pusing dan mual. Dan kondisinya sangat lemah, tidak berdaya… tetapi sesuai teori yang kami tahu, kami hanya berikan obat turun panas dan pereda pusing sampai hari ke-3. Minggu sore 14 Agt kami ke IGD rumah sakit dan check darah. (Setelah lewat masa sakit, kami kira kalau begitu kondisinya, kami tak akan nunggu hari ke-3 untuk ke RS, tergantung kondisi yang dirasakan.) Perjalanan dari Petamburan (tempat tinggal) ke Depok (RS) adalah perjuangan tersendiri karena lemahnya kondisi dan perasaan tidak nyaman… di siang hari yang panas, tapi AC tidak bisa dinyalakan karena hawa dingin membuat tidak nyaman… panas tak nyaman, dingin tak nyaman… Apakah akan survive nyampe RS dg kuat?

Diperiksa, trombosit sudah cukup rendah (82 dari angka normal 150-440), juga leukosit 1,8 (dari angka normal 3,6-11), positif DBD dan langsung opname.

Karena beberapa pertimbangan, kami ambil kamar yang saya bisa menemani dia 24 jam sehari dan List merasa nyaman. Lebih nyaman dengan udara hangat, AC tidak dinyalakan, lampu dimatikan (most of the time). Kalau ada pasien lain, kan enggak bisa melakukan seperti ini. 🙂

Mual dan pusing yang tidak henti, serta kondisi datang bulan, membuat sakit DBD ini tidak mudah. Asupan relatif sedikit (dan penuh perjuangan) sementara darah banyak keluar. Tahu bahwa perlu asupan, tetapi tubuh tidak bisa menerima. Sampai menangis karena pertentangan hal ini. Begitu banyak darah keluar, sampai tubuh terasa melayang. Akhirnya sempat dilakukan transfusi trombosit dan darah merah setelah lewat hari ke-3 opname (tgl 17 Agt lewat tengah malam).

Pengalaman 7 hari 7 malam di satu kamar (selalu hampir 24 jam sehari) dengan kondisi tsb adalah pengalaman yang baru. Biasanya List kuat, dia yang melakukan semua logistik. Sekarang dia lemah dan sangat lemah,… saya yang menolong hampir semua hal bahkan termasuk hal-hal kecil (minum, makan, urusan toilet/wanita, dst) termasuk “tuntutan” emosinya. Banyak pekerjaan yang sebenarnya bisa dikerjakan perawat, tapi lebih nyaman kalau saya yang mengerjakan. Ada saat tiap jam terjaga, ada saat bisa 2-3 jam bisa terlelap berdua.

Ketika keadaan terasa membaik di tengah masa opname (yang kemudian rupanya drop lagi), kami sempat diskusi: meski kami sakit, Tuhan tidak berhenti melakukan hal-hal baik. Dia tetap bekerja. Mungkin dia bekerja di hati teman-teman yang mendukung kami, mengubahkan hati mereka para sahabat kami (thanks a lot kasih dan dukungannya). Tuhan juga mungkin sedang berbicara kepada para perawat. Saya berharap bahwa kehadiran kami berdua, ikatan dan praktek kasih kami (yang tidak mudah dan tidak sempurna) menyatakan tentang kasih di antara Allah dan Kristus, serta kasih Kristus kepada umat-Nya, dan menyatakannya kepada para perawat. (Kami sangat bersyukur dengan pekerjaan para perawat.)

Bersyukur Minggu 21 Agt telah bisa keluar dari rumah sakit dan menjalani pemulihan di rumah. Rumah siapa? Rumah kel om Gun :). Sambil merayakan ultah. :). Terima kasih untuk doa rekan-rekan bagi kami. Tuhan selalu menyertai dan memimpin kita.

/setya